[ heard from the darkest waiting room : ]

 

I fear loneliness in winter, the lack of activity, of productivity; I fear boredom taking over my body. I fear the violence of a silent stranger. I fear to be left with no love, to have no purpose left. I fear a presence on my back late at night, I even use to fear my own breath late at night.

 

 

Misunderstandings, my words awaking war and distress in someone’s mind. To cut the little roots I have left. To stay sedentary for too long. I fear the cities sometimes, the buildings, the dogs and the monkeys, the cars, and the fields, trash on the grass. Bands of young kids seeking trouble dressed by N*ke and Adid*s.

I fear mornings after too much drinking and too much speaking on the previous night. My anxiety, my nerves, contradictions of thoughts and feelings. Too much coffee. I fear addictions. To fall trapped in my smartphone, to be unable to put my neck straight back again, to get my hand away from the smart-extension of my life, to awake in a hyper-mirror void broken in a thousand pieces. To fall trapped in The Guardian, El Periódico, Le Soir, Vice, La Sexta… I fear Facebook, Google, Bayer, Trump, Macron, Scholz, Kern, Ortega, Orban, Morawiecki, Jong-Un, Le Pen, Berlusconi, Conte, Meuthen, Francken, Bart, Abascal, Rivera, Rajoy, Putin, Coca-Cola, and company. They all live with me and I fear them inside me. I fear fascism taking new forms and only a few realizing the danger it beholds. The height of the wall, the never-ending construction of the wall, the wall becoming tall as the tallest tower, strong as the strongest tank. I definitely fear too much concrete. I am afraid of our world becoming an airport, with its cleanness, safety, and white.

Fear provokes control and control provokes fear. The fight against terror only brings more terror in the streets. Nuclear shelters. Pepper spray. Gated communities. And the silence and violence of a heavily armed soldier gazing at me at the train station of Europe.

The establishment of our times is really scary to me. I fear to be living today the III WW but only reading it in history texts fifty years from now. That image: the world in fifty years, to imagine the future of the world. The conception that the future is dead is fucked up. I fear Cádiz, Almería, Granada, under water, Sevilla at the beach. I fear to get trapped in the European bubble and let the others die with no mercy. I fear the art when artificial, when it does not breathe from the real and does not exhale into the real. I fear the human capacity to save one own’s ass and forget about the others, the ecosystem, the beings; life ceaselessly eating life.

 

I fear to lose my capacity to love, to be a lover, a friend, a brother and a sister. I fear to be left only but a stranger to the world and to myself. To get lost in imaginary lands with my imaginary friends, unable to come close to anyone on the surface. I fear my incapacity to build a home. I love plants but I fear them too. They want me to become one of them. I tell them Girls I love you, I do, but I want to be nothing but a volcano and a river of lava and a brave beast. Your calm sometimes makes me anxious, I would like to be fearless to the calm but I cannot stop thinking. I breathe, I meditate, I dance, I fast, I take all kind of precautions and dreamy substances but I cannot stop thinking. I fear thinking too much as much as I fear to become a plant. I fear time passing on different timelines, being young but people judging me too old since always, too mature, too sick already for the youth, and the millennials gazing at me with eyes judging a different tongue. I am all contradictions: I fear rush as much as calm. I fear losing balance.

 

And with those fears I shall live because I have no fear for life or for death, for light or for shadow, to face my multiples me and to let them be alive in myself. I shall encounter my ghosts and fuck them on a temperate afternoon. We will make love in the woods until the sunset, with no penetration, until the sunset, and once the shared orgasm has taken every tree, once the sunset is done, once we are all full of colored cum, immersed by the darkness of a moonless night, invisible to any animal eye, once we become one in communion, we will wash each other’s shadows in the river and laugh at the strength of who I am.

 

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And you, my dear friend, living alone in this world as we all live, do you have any fears?